昨日から6回目の抗ガン剤入院なので、病室からの更新です。2日目にして視力も落ちてきたし、誰か分からない位に顔もむくみ、吐き気も増してきました。嫌ですねー。寛解が分かる前は命がけだったし、どんなにつらくても苦しくても耐えられたんですけど、薄情なもので、また副作用に苦しむのが嫌だな、と思ってしまいます。ガンが再発しない限り、これで最後の抗がん剤です。これから5年、検査や通院、そしてポートを取り外す手術も待っているけど、生きていけるんですもの。これくらいなんのその。
Frozen. And, it was beautiful outside.
I am writing this from a hospital room, because I am in the middle of my 6th round of chemo. I am already pretty nauseous, and my vision is getting worse. Before we got the great news of remission, I decided not to complain at all if I can get my life back. Now, all I want to do is complain. I am the weakest human life. Hopefully, this is really the last time I have to deal with this. Over the next five years, I still need to do a variety of tests, appointments, and a surgery to take my port out,but I get to live again, so those things are nothing, right?
秋冬春は雨ばかりのポートランドだけど、真冬にひょこっと晴れ間が続く時があります。ちょうど冬休みで、お外も満喫。さっむーいんですけどね。もうすぐ冬休みも終わり。アマリは学校に行くのがちょっと嫌なんだそうです。私のガン発覚と同時に始まった1年生。ママのサポートなしでひとりでよく頑張っています。習い事もプレイデートもさせてあげられなくて本当に申し訳ない。どんなにか不安でさみしいだろうかと思います。元気になったら、一緒に歩いて学校行こう。寄り道もプレイデートもたくさんしよう。あと、少し。がんばろうね、アマリ。
We get sunny blue skies once in a while in the middle of winter. Of course, everyone enjoys it. It is freeeeeezing though. After this weekend, school is restarting. I guess Amalie doesn't seem like she is excited. Her very first day of first grade started with news of my cancer. Without my support, she is doing really well on her own. However I feel bad for her, because my immune system has been so low, we couldn't let her do any after school programs, lessons, sports, play dates or birthday parties at all. I can't imagine how nervous and sad she is around her happy friends. After I get a little better, maybe we can start walking to school together. On the way coming home, we can stop to get a hot coco sometimes. Of course, we can have her friends over for play dates. She just has to wait for a little more of mama's fighting. I'm sorry, Sweetheart.
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